Research Project
April 22, 2008 by VM
Dear Diary,
Tucker has a relative who is an artist. The portrait to the left is a little different from his usual work, but I insisted on looking like myself. I am still slightly unsure of the merits of this cameo, but I was determined to treat myself to a new image for spring. In reality, I think the artist has made me look a little staid, but I suppose respectability comes to us all in the fullness of time.
Mistress Ruthie is, alas, a long way from respectability. She has acquired new clients who partake of the hobby of biking. This is something which I view with horror, but Mistress Ruthie assures me that the pleasure of a large, hot, throbbing sensation between one’s knees is almost unsurpassable. I defer, dear Diary, to Mistress Ruthie in this as in all things.
Be that as it may, it appears that the bikers have a serious case to answer, their case, in turn, resting upon the Human Rights Act. This, of course, begs the question of whether the Act applies to bikers. Let us assume, for now, that it probably does. Talking to Mistress Ruthie, it struck us both that the human rights legislation seems to take a role in a case directly proportionate to the hirsuteness of the Defendant.
Dear Diary, this is a fascinating and potentially far-reaching insight. The areas of law in which human rights are most often to be found concern bikers and alleged terrorists. Both are the ZZ Tops of the criminal world. This blog, determined as ever to get to the truth of the matter, is undertaking a research project. The following possibilities seem to be available:
- Hairy people are more likely to commit criminal offences. This is Tucker’s view.
- Hairy people are more likely to be familiar with their human rights, possibly as a result of invoking their right to privacy in such a practical and concrete way.
- A human rights based defence is the last refuge of the desperate and is thus more regularly adopted by bikers and terrorists than by others.
- Alternatively, when confronted by beardless people, bikers and alleged terrorists feel vulnerable and instinctively reach for anything which connects them to the rest of humanity.
- Hirsuteness rots the brain and thus leads those who practise it to both commit criminal offences and, thereafter, to flock to solicitors who love the Human Rights Act for its complexity and expense ability to deliver justice to the needy.
Should any of our readers chance to have a view, they can assist in this important search for knowledge. Moreover, it will help Mistress Ruthie to determine if she really wants quite as much in common with Phil Shiner as she is in danger of having. Phil is not a hairy man, but he is a religious one and he does work in Birmingham. Dear Diary, the parallels are frightening.
I would rather see Mistress Ruthie as the Gareth Peirce of the biking world. Just as Gary was once ‘Jean’, Mistress Ruthie could, if she really wanted, change her name to something more masculine. Esau would be an excellent choice, in the circumstances.
I have a measure of hirsuteness and I ride a motorbicycle but I do not wish to be associated with ne’er do wells, while respecting their right to a free civic life.
Can I suggest that one should look at the accused’s lifestyle wealth and education? My theory being that that those like myself and VM possessing significant facial hair should be accorded a degree of flexibility not to be accorded to those for whom three syllables represents the sum of these in their entire autobiography?
I see no reason why a hairy biking accountant, barrister or Tesco’s shelf-filler should be treated in the same way as a biking solicitor-inadequate. Least of all female ones.
Dear VM,
Your new portrait depicts you in an extraordinariy sensual fashion, such that I am deeply concerned that the modesty for which you are renowned, appears to have temporarily deserted you; are you not concerned that your site traffic will now attract individuals of less shade, colour and taste as your good self?!
Pay no attention to GeekLawyer -the measure of his hirsutness is his claim to have three hairs on his chest, two of which are loose.
Dear VM
I am disappointed to note that for once your good sense and judgment has let you down. You suggest that hirsute members of society (with or without their motor bicycles, tricycles or quad cycles) are more inclined to commmit criminal offences. There are reasons why this is obvious balderdash.
1. If one follows your argument to its logical conclusion, the longer the hair the more likely would be the propensity to offend.
2. The corollary of this is that the shorter the hair the less likely one is to commit a crime.
3. There are elements in modern society who (misguidedly) think it is a fashion statement to shave their heads. Does your logic suggest that before shaving such a person is public enemy number one and after shaving is suddenly transformed into an incarnation of the Angel Gabriel?
4. This belies the fact that some people consider that losing one’s hair is bad and the way to deal with it is to shave it all off! Some such people seem to think that they acquire a more macho image which will embolden them in any fracas in which they become embrioled. This seems to be a particularly prevalent view in (inter alia) night club bouncers and policemen (so I am told - I have no personal experience of this), as well as a number of yobs and undesirables.
No VM. The problems lie in those who fail to conform to the accepted standards of honesty, decency and hair length of our society. The long haired wierdos are no better or worse than the shaven-haired wierdos.
P.S. Does not your tasteful portrait show you with LONG hair (done up in a bun)? How do your fallacious arguments apply to the fairer sex?
P.P.S. Should not all citizens be aware of the law (including their human rights)? Is this not a “good thing” (Sellers & Yeatman: 1066 And All That)? Therefore if hairy people are, as you contend, more aware of their human rights, are they not, to that extent at least, good members of society?
VM and Ruthie
I’m getting very worried at my serial visits to your blog to view VM’s new avatar. Very worried indeed. Like Lord Laidlaw (as reported in The News of The Screws only this day) - I am thinking of turning myself in for therapy.
I won’t, however, be donating a million quid to an institute for fellow sufferers.
I’ve even taken to going to internet cafes to disguise my IP address…. so you don’t think it is me visiting your site.
I’m glad I’m not a catholic. I’d have to do drink a lot of hail mary’s to expunge my lasciviousness’
I am, of course, for the avoidance of doubt, referring to the subtle brushwork and masterly use of light in the rendition of the lamp in the background….
Not satisfied with undermining the british legal system now Police shoot to kill a Barrister mark Saunders
Usual Police propaganda about the suspect, which like the tube killing and the nigerian tourist, may prove to be false in the fullness of time.
The pressure on lawyers these days to snitch/inform on their clients makes even an honest lawyer worry !!!
There may be light at the end of the tunnel for the Da Vinci Madonna lawyers ??