The Adventures of Shannon

Dear Diary,

Things are getting complicated out there in Chavville UK. It seems to be possible that Shannon Matthews was not necessarily kidnapped, but was rather asked to hide in the base of a bed as a prank, or perhaps for a reward of a double whopper, extra-large fries and a gigantic coke. Meanwhile, the family carried on asking the McCanns for money, scoping kiddie porn and spending the budget the police had allocated for protecting the denizens of Dewsbury.

Whether this tomfoolery is, as some are suggesting, the product of too many hours watching television, or a more sinister plot to make Dewsbury safe for the wearers of Burberry and Lonsdale to rob on request by taking the plod off the streets, is not a matter upon which I feel qualified to express an opinion. I do have a small black and white television, upon which Tucker is permitted to watch Percy Thrower repeats if his performance has been more than usually satisfactory. Otherwise the Maiden household spends its leisure time with a good book.

Still, respec’  (as I gather the current mot juste to be) to Shannon’s kith and kin. It is given to comparatively few families to have five members simultaneously facing charges of kidnap, false imprisonment, assisting an offender, perverting the course of justice (x2), neglect and possessing indecent images of children. The prize for Chav of the Year is within reach and I predict that very soon, the thick gold chain with the pit-bull locket in the Burberry check will be adorning the neck of a Matthews/Meehan scion as they have their picture taken for the cover of Zoo magazine. What a joyous day that will be.

In the meantime, the decision to put Shannon into police protection is looking good.