Oh Flower of Worthing

Dear Diary,

Nick Brown (now with added De Lacey) has been basking in his new found fame. I confess that I remain fascinated. In some ways it is a tribute. Rarely does one person, on one programme for one hour, make such an impression. But now that Nick is off to Crown Office Chambers (although curiously absent from the section headed ‘Latest News’) I thought I ought to examine what they are getting.

In his own - doubtless well-chosen - words, and in his own special colour:

• On Alex and his ‘Boyband’ mates: ‘Whereas the rest of us, you’ll have noticed, were more unusual. It was him that made that split. He should have had me on the stall all the time if he wanted me pricing, rather then sending me off to sell in solicitors’ offices.’ Dear Diary - blissful is the only word. It seems to have escaped Nick’s notice that he would be doing quite a lot of selling in solicitors’ offices in the future…
• On his performance in the Board Room: ‘I wasn’t stumbling, not because I’m rubbish at arguing, but because it was so difficult to phrase the divide in words that would please Sir Alan. It was almost impossible, because he himself is the gritty salesman type.’ Aha. The argument wasn’t rubbish because Nick was rubbish, but because the argument was rubbish. A fine distinction (some might say invisible) but excitingly expressed.
• On being told that Katie Hopkins (a previous contestant) had been rude about him: ‘Err, has she looked in the mirror? I think she should look in the mirror, although if she does, she should be aware that it might crack, which might give her seven years’ worse luck than she has had already’. Dear Diary - a gentleman without compare. An ornament to his Chambers.
• On Alex: ‘If I was to do it all again, I would choose myself as project manager. I would probably be better in an organisational capacity.’
• On what Nick ‘Organisation’ De Lacy Brown would have done differently: ‘I’m not sure that I would have delegated the pricing to one person; I think I probably would have had two people on it because it’s very complex; you’re doing these mathematical sums in your head, at the same time as trying to write them on the sides, at the same time as selling.’ Crown Office Chambers do a large amount of personal injury work. I am sure they are sympathetic to one who finds working out the sums at the same time as writing them down difficult.
• On Sir Alan Sugar - a man from the East End of London (where barrister’s clerks come from): ‘Some of the stuff that I said in the boardroom, I look back at now and I cringe! It was such a ridiculous…You could tell that I was stumbling at the time…and especially in front of a man like Sir Alan who is a typical barrow boy businessman.’  I look forward to Nick’s first brief and would have a small wager that Penrith Magistrates Court is beckoning.
• On himself: ‘I find the reputation I’ve gained on The Apprentice hilarious! By no means do I dislike it - the whole posh/snob thing - I’m not really from that at all. To a certain extent, I’ve made myself. I’ve climbed the ladder in society. Call me a social climber if you want to, I don’t have a problem with that.’ Dear Diary, I wonder Crown Office Chambers are laughing. Indeed, I am told they are not and that the Pupillage Committee is being called to account.
• On why his performance in the Board Room was so dire: ‘But I think the main reason for me was that I just could not be bothered at that point.’ Dear Diary, clients everywhere will be saying, ‘get me that man’.

Perhaps the last word ought to go to Nick on his future: ‘I’m also starting my pupillage as a barrister in October so I’m well on my way to becoming what I trained, and always wanted, to be.’ And, ‘I’ve actually obtained a pupillage now, at a very pre-eminent Chambers in London’. 

Dear Diary, Mystic Victorian Maiden predicts that Nick wil be every good a clairvoyant as he was an apprentice…