Normality Has Been Restored

Dear Diary,

I am thrilled to have time to spend with you once more. I have been ‘under the cosh’ in recent weeks, due to the need to earn enough money to support what is, by common consent, a plain and unshowy lifestyle. However, one needs the spondulicks even for that. I am now able to report that the Maiden account is once more causing the doorman at Coutts to hurry forward and lie down in front of me in a puddle, when I decant from the Royce at his entrance. Still, if one has to be under a cosh, then Tucker’s is quite delightful.

I would not like you to think, dear Diary, that I have been unmindful of what has been happening around me. I retain that keen interest in life and the law which so distinguish me from the plebian interests of those who surround me. I know, for example, that Brucie has done bird so small that we are not even talking budgie. I know that Aamar Anwar has been disbelieved in a Court of Law, in a matter in which he alleged that he was the victim of racial abuse. I am not surprised by these things, but I note them.

It has been a bit of a bad time for celebrity sols generally. Nick ‘I can get you off if you can pay the fee’ Freeman has been criticised by the Court of Appeal for acting with a total disregard for the Criminal Procedure Rules and exploiting prosecution mistakes. His client was convicted and the Court overturned Nickie’s claim for £6,000 wasted costs. Whoops - that means the client may have to pay.

Maurice Kay LJ noted that Nick must be a good solicitor because his, “notepaper discloses that he practises from premises modestly or immodestly called Freeman House.” Dear Diary, my hand is up because I know the answer to Morry’s question. Indeed I suspect His Lordship does too - Maurice Kay LJ is famous for strapping on the size 12, metal-toed boot. If Nick waives his fees, dear Diary, you will be the first to know. But I would not hold your ink.

It also seems that the Beeb have caught up with the story of the Madonna of the Yardwinder. Crimewatch is helping Da Vinci of the Yard(winder) find the robbers. Meanwhile, Robert Graham and John Doyle are charged with extortion. They are the private investigators who had the picture and were allegedly trying to ransom it, utilising our old friend Marshall Ronald and wee Calum Jones. Apparently, all the chaps were trying to do was reunite the painting with its owner. I am waiting for Aamar to be called. In the meantime it would be nice to know where Robbie and Johnny found the piccy, how they acquired any sort of title and who had it before them. I am sure that competent solicitors like Marsh and Calum will have asked precisely those questions.

I have also, of course, taken note of the stance of the Lazy Stupid and Complacent on contracts for the Bar. Dear Diary, it is impolite to gloat. Given the proposition that the shortage of money in the system is down to the Bar, I can only suggest that the LSC tries traditional money-raising techniques. A benefit single should be released immediately, entitled ‘Baby Won’t You Sign My Contract’, with a B side named ‘We Are the Sultans of Innuendo’. These dittys can be performed by Count One and the TICs. I am confident they will raise thousands, and all the problems will be over. But I shall keep abreast of the careers of the brilliant civil servants who planned the current debacle. I am sure they will fail ever upwards.

Finally, in the light of the Archbishop of Canterbury’s recent comments may I wish a happy Friday to all my Muslim readers and a salaam aleikum for the week ahead. I am happy to appear before the Imam of your choice in any financial dispute, although I do not, alas, do family work. In particular, should you wish to ensure that none of your taxes go towards the office, salary or beard-trimming of Rowan Williams (or Ismail-al-Gwillam as I believe he now wishes to be known) then please contact Mistress Ruthie and arrange for my retention.

Update from Ruthie:

VM and I have never performed together professionally, but I am confident that should we ever do so it would be a successful arrangement. Certainly I have always found VM to be eager to please.