DeFeaT for DFT

Dear Diary,

In the year to 31st March 2004, the taxpayer paid £113,549,240 as a result of offences detected by speed cameras. This equates to £1.90 for every man, woman and child in the country. Personally speaking I would rather pay my £1.90 by direct debit at the beginning of each financial year, and I would go so far as to pay Tucker’s contribution as well. However, this is not permitted, and the Government insists that the abuser pays to allow some jumped-up Traffic Warden to sit in a Volvo when they could be working, or to allow a computer to take a picture of the back of one’s head whilst one’s speed gets up to 46mph on an open, although urban, road.

The question, dear Diary, is for how much longer? That is because of Dr Phillip Tann, a scientist and visiting lecturer at Sunderland University. Dr Tann was summonsed for doing 42mph in a 30 mph zone. Fortunately, his own invention, a Satellite Navigation system built into a mobile telephone, proved that he was actually going at 29.18 mph. The CPS discontinued the case. As an added irony, Dr Tann’s invention was partially funded by a £60,000 grant from the Government.

The CPS claim that they could not prove the camera was accurate, without the evidence of the retired officer who operated it. Oh yes, and Tucker has a PhD in Nuclear Physics. I have been involved in numerous cases in which retired officers have come to Court. Moreover, if as the Police claim, the camera was properly calibrated then there will exist a paper audit trail to prove precisely that. Furthermore, the proposition that Dr Tann’s device gives an average speed over a set distance means that the Toon Police (because, dear Diary, this case involves, yet again, the Northumbria goon squad) should be able to replicate the result of both the camera and Dr Tann’s device. Instead the case was dropped, thereby once again demonstrating the courage and fierce will to keep Northumbria crime free which marked the Police’s foray into the Art World.

In reality, I have little against speed cameras and I accept that going too fast causes accidents. I do, however, violently object to a decision to drop a case being followed by assertions that the accused is, none the less, guilty. The Police and the CPS need to learn to put up or shut up.

In the meantime I shall invest in Dr Tann’s device. Not that I ever exceed the speed limit. The Royce is built for contempative, genteel journeys and, in any event, Tucker has been particularly cautious since running over General Alexander “Chicken” Von Kluck whilst driving Papa to the peace talks at Compiegne. Notwithstanding this, it seems to me that if a speed camera can be 35% out on a single reading, then everyone should be prepared.