Portrait of the Diarist As A Beauty Queen
August 26, 2007 by Ruthie
Dear Diary,
I have been so very busy recently that I am afraid I have quite neglected you. But it has been such fun. As you can see, I have had my portrait painted. Is it not delicious? Mr Stubbs is so gifted and so kind. He said that I was as beautiful an example of his usual subject as he had yet seen. How very gracious.
I have also followed the news with my usual care. Bliss it was to learn that Mistress Ruthie is quite exculpated in the matter of the Hells’ Angels shooting: that is, unless she is some sort of Ma Baker figure which I cannot for one moment believe. I have also been much exercised over Mistress Ruthie’s injury. As soon as I heard of it, it was the work of but a moment to despatch Tucker to assist. He may be a little rough and ready but his doctors’ staff is quite magical.
Meanwhile Jackie (male) is already reviewing sentences of IPP. Over three thousand have been passed in two years and none of those prisoners can be released until the appropriate professionals say that it is safe to do so. Dear Diary, you can imagine how difficult it is to give such an assurance. Who would want to be the person responsible for the release of someone who then went on to kill or injure or rape again? Accordingly, the jails are full. Dear Diary, what an immense surprise. One can see why whole departments of brilliant civil-servants and their wily political masters would not see that one coming.
Oddly, the government is not pleased that all these violent and unsafe people are being kept off the streets. I had believed that is exactly what they wanted. However, it turns out that this is so only if it is free. The government is learning that there is no such thing as a free con. This will be salutory for them. Predictably, Mr David (Shag ‘em all) Blunkett is blaming the Judges. Dear Diary, I agree. How dare Judges follow the law as laid down by Parliament? All they achieve by doing so is to demonstrate why Mr Blunkett and his friends are even more moronic than their behaviour would suggest.
Finally, Mistress Ruthie tells me that Mr Hull may write an occasional entry. I am delighted with that, but have had to tell Mistresss Ruthie that I draw the line at the Emu. I simply cannot bring myself to work with animals. Anyway, Mistress Ruthie has won the lottery, so might no longer require Mr Hull’s filthy lucre, especially as he sounds like Woody Allen. Dear Diary, it will be remembered that Mr Allen is the person who said that masturbation should not be knocked as it was sex with someone he loved. I do hope that Mr Hull does not lower the tone.
I’m not sure where VM has got the idea from that Dan is going to post, or whether thats just a challenge.
It is true that Ruthie has won the lottery. Readers suggestions are invited as to what she should spend her 10 quid on. Please bear in mind, she would hate to blow it all at once.
P.S. Ruthie pics now included at the bottom of the blogroll.
VM… Tucker seems to have worked some magic, peut-etre?
Dearest VM,
Whilst I whole heatedly concur with your opinion on the abilities of Mr Stubbs, and that your portrait is INDEED positively delicious, I cannot help but notice the questionable accoutrement draped about your graceful shoulders. One would sincerely hope that a person of your taste and style would not succumb to the wearing of a recently deceased mink, or other some such unfortunate creature. and that you are, in fact, a fully paid up member of PETA.
Dan: panic not, VM thought you were about to mount a coup de tat on this blog. I’m sure however we would welcome any posts that you would care to contribute.
Dear Ms Mink,
Fear not. My poodle was quite alive and remains so. She was persuaded to lie still by the sight of Tucker holding his enormous sausage. But thank you for your interest. I am afraid, however, that I am not a member of PETA. Indeed, after last summer’s unfortunate incident at the Earl’s Garden Party I have told Peter that I will have nothing more to do with his member at any price
I am still reading this blog and still wondering “what is going on?” and “why?” - it reminds me of that weird episode of the Avengers in which Steed loses his bowler and tries it on with the bird in the leather trousers - Emma Peel.
I will continue to monitor this blog in the same way that I monitor UFO’s - with interest and concern.
Oh - and by the way - can you please expand the pics section to include you in some leather trouser gear?
Dear the Lauded Mr Pineapples. I fear that any confusion you feel is in the singular. As an absolute fanatic of the Avengers I think The Prisoner is a more apt analogy in some ways - though the Avengers (the Old Avengers) carries the fetish element that’s true.
Nonetheless, all is entirely comprehensible with sifficientapplication.
Ah belovéd Victorian Maiden. I must confess that having been rather dubious of your presence on Ruthie’s blog at first, your posts of late have had me positively snorting with laughter. Marvellous stuff.
With regards to your recent sitting for Mr Stubbs, I am quite amazed that the poodle draped across your shoulders did not devour that fine peacock perched upon your head!
Huh?
Dearest VM,
Far be it for me to comment upon the sight of Tucker holding his ENORMOUS Sausage, but one can only imagine that your poor poodle was entirely gripped by fear, if not outright terror, upon witnessing such a vision; is this then still a case of Animal Cruelty? I sincerely hope that it is not.
Whilst I further appreciate that to enquire as to the unfortunate inccident at the Earl’s Garden Party is grossly indiscrete, I cannot help but do so; the curiosity of your readership is now piqued, given you have mentioned the inccident yourself in reply to my post…
[...] connection with my magnificent portrait, Ms Minx asked me about the incident with the Earl at the Garden Party. Although I do not usually write about matters unconcerned with the law, it [...]