Honour and the CPS

Dear Diary,

Carmen Dowd has announced that there will be no prosecutions in the ‘Cash for Honours’ affair. I am bound to say that in my opinion it is hats off to the CPS. Not only have they reached the right decision, but they have explained themselves fully and transparently.

Of course, it does deprive us all of an entertaining and amusing silly season. And those who believe in conspiracy over anything else will be most upset. But the reality is that one cannot prosecute someone for being elevated merely because they have, in addition to being one of the great and the good, donated money to a political party. It is an agreement to elevate that person in exchange for the money which must be proved. Yet now it is clear that all the people elevated were deserving of the honour done to them. So there was simply no such evidence here and even darling David Perry’s enormous brain could not find the connection, as Carmen explained. 

So, sad though it is, one must conclude that it is not possible to buy oneself into the Lords through giving money to a political party. The Liberal Democrats will be most upset as, whilst poor Menzies is in charge that is really their best hope for money.  And of course they blazed the trail in this particular endeavour: after all it was sweet, gay Davy who rewarded Great-Grandpapa who was never liberal about anything, and who dear Aunt Hetty always said got his K for ‘looking at his rose-bed, instead of his wife’s bed’.

Nor can it be conclusively asserted that loans made were not at commercial rates. The difficulty is obvious if one looks at an example close to home. When I extend to Tucker an advance on his wages I do not expect interest. I am perfectly well aware that he will totter off to his mates at his ‘local’ (called by the inspiring name of ‘The Sycophant and Mistress’: the S&M as it is known) and blow the lot. Yet the loan is commercial and if not promptly repaid (for a Lady does not withhold wages under any circumstances) will lead to Tucker having to clean the chicken sheds without the toothbrush.

Contrary to reports in the Guardian the CPS did not decide that a prosecution would have been in the public interest. No such consideration arises unless it can first of all be said that there is sufficient evidence to support a conviction. Still, one must allow poor little Alan the odd mistake because he and his friends will be quite distraught over the lack of a prosecution. I always think that to regard the Guardian as a newspaper of record is to quite mistake the point of it.

It does appear that PC Plod is a touch disappointed. Admittedly it is the Guardian quoting a police source as saying the CPS ‘bottled it’ but still, it may be true. If so, then it might perhaps teach those who seem in need of the lesson that it is just not on for the police to call on the CPS to do anything. Really, the roles are entirely separate and so they should be. It is hardly rocket science to understand why that should be so and I am confident that, if it tries hard, even the Met can grasp the point.

So, there it is. Dear little Michael will not be needing his stacked shoes this weekend. He will be positively walking on air. And darling Tony will be delighted too. It is so important, in my humble opinion for those holding positions of responsibility to be able to relax with a strenuous game of tennis. Indeed Tucker is even now rolling on the Court and spraying white liquid simply everywhere in preparation for a little party I am having this weekend. Happy times indeed.

It does seem to me that the answer to all this furore in the long run is to abolish honours entirely. Dear Diary, you and I know that standing comes from behaviour and not from titles or letters. Honour comes to those who run away from it, not those running towards it. Yet somehow I fancy that neither the recipients nor the politicians will be terribly keen on my modest proposal. The current system is simply too convenient.